Another realization....

Yeah... Like my friend just said.... I am on fire!! :-)

Related to my previous blog (regarding my summer experience in Texas), but too important and deep to just figure as part of another blog... here is something else I realized:

I always thought of myself as a very independent, strong girl, always wanting to make my own independent decisions on professional and personal life - important or relatively inconsequential. Always trying to prove to myself and to the world that I can do everything my male colleagues can, never liking the feeling of being dependent in any way on anyone.

Having had to live alone and having had to think twice about little things like venturing into unsafe neighborhoods all by myself or having to go look at housing complexes and take little decisions about where to live; terrified and stranded all alone at home when a HUGE neighborhood doggy was just outside my door and I wanted to get out, but could not... I realized this... and I am ready to confess it now:

There is a very vulnerable side to me that I have been denying and running away from all this while... that needs protection and nurturing. There are times when I feel like running to someone I can completely trust like a little girl running to her daddy when there's a loud lightening strike or when someone snatches away her favorite toy. I miss that feeling where I know I am unconditionally taken care of -- in every possible way.

With growing up, comes the responsibility of taking care of oneself -- financially, physically, emotionally, professionally; and being responsible for the consequences of one's decisions.

Such a dichotomy right here between the side of me that enjoys the freedom, strength and independence coming from this opportunity; and the other side that pines for that nurturing and protecting figure I can go running to and trust all my vulnerabilities to and hide my face in his arms and not worry about the menacing world around.